Gonna be a bloke

[mschatelaine]

... well, sometimes. Mostly.

With the discussion with the doctor a few weeks ago, and the fact that I met someone that weekend who I really fancied, and the panic attack I had right after that, I seem to have reset myself to be male.

Previously, I would every day wish I was female, actually saying that to myself. Any time I saw a pretty woman, prettily dressed, I'd wish I was her or that I was wearing that outfit.

I haven't done that since my last breakdown; this is such a difference that I noted it and wondered what was going on. I feel no need or desire to dress myself or make myself up as female, although I feel no sense of wrongness in the idea.

I have stopped wearing the hormone patches because I had a suspicious ache in my side and back, (apparently either a muscle strain or a urinary infection, most likely a strain) but I feel no need to start back on them.

I have no clue what my hormones or brain chemistry are doing to me. I think that I should not play with them until I am clear what I actually want.

What do I actually want? Now you're asking.

A partner, female, who is OK with her partner being gender conflicted. (I am lonely and fucked up; a large part of that fucked-upness is from previous bad relationships)

Acceptance of transgendered people, not just in the either/or sense that you have to be a man or a woman, or a trans-man or a trans-woman but in the sense that 'I might present myself as male right now but I might want to present myself as female another time, and that's OK.'

I like makeup and dresses and girly things and I don't want to be boxed as a poof. I also used to teach martial arts and you really don't want to annoy me. And, I can get a car going.

I don't fit in a box. I never have. That's my problem.

This evening I had a laugh, and a minor win; A lady I met (again), trying the fit-into-box thing, said to me 'that (that you cross-dress) was the reason you liked my fishnets that time ...?' I said, no, I liked your legs, because I really fancied you, and then she reminded me of the tight dress she had been wearing. Apparently I made an impression. Press reset button, watch recalculation happen, apologise for being shit and not keeping in touch, see self being recategorised as ... something, but definitely not in any of the regular boxes, and hopefully not as 'safe'.

I am, since my last panic attack, a more confident and frankly a scarier person. A couple of times I have intimidated people who were providing poor service, the most recently in a four-star hotel, which I would have thought took some doing. I have, visibly, less patience than I had and less willingness to extend it. I think I'm experiencing a resurgence of testosterone.


EDIT: poof is a really pejorative word, but I'll stand by it, I think, as a label for how many people think of effeminate men, gay or not, who can be safely dismissed and not taken seriously.

Comments

[fjm.livejournal.com]

Hmm. A tricky one to respond to, but I did want to respond. There are plenty of people in the world who have mutable, flowing senses of gender. And a fair few of us who find that intensely attractive.

One of the places I find comfortable is Toronto where they have an understanding of "queer" which encompasses this: I'm not sure we do have that here yet.

[ms-chatelaine.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure we don't have it. That was one of the causes of the long discussions I was having last night with B and A. The idea of mutabiity in sense of gender was a tough one for them. It was, 'but you're a man, right, who likes to dress as a woman,' and 'but you're really manly, how can you want to actually be a woman?' and so on.

How I presented myself that evening was, especially to B, how I am and she couldn't fit in the idea that I'm not always like that.

[ms-chatelaine.livejournal.com]

a fair few of us who find that intensely attractive

This is what I was hoping and it's one of the reasons I started on this process. As I present myself normally I'm attractive to daddy's girls, who tend not to be happy when they find out about the rest of me. I'm starting to meet women who have a more flexible understanding, and in fact they tend to have a good sense of fun with it. A and B both offered to go shopping with me.

[julesjones]

This does sound as if you've got a better handle on who you are, though I won't be surprised if it continues to change back and forth for a while.

I think your real problem in the end is that in our culture we expect people to be either male or female, and the language reinforces that. There simply *is* no easy way in English to refer to someone who is in between. So even for someone who will happily to refer to a person by social gender regardless of birth gender, at any particular point in time it's got to be one of "Sir" or "Madam" -- to use the example from when I was working on a shop till, with a script I was supposed to stick to, and the occasional customer who didn't fit it.

[ms-chatelaine.livejournal.com]

I think you're right

[banhe.livejournal.com]

A partner, female, who is OK with her partner being gender conflicted.

I think I se what you mean; for me, I think of it as a partner who accepts you for who you are in all areas and doesn't feel the need to change you.

Acceptance of transgendered people, not just in the either/or sense that you have to be a man or a woman, or a trans-man or a trans-woman but in the sense that 'I might present myself as male right now but I might want to present myself as female another time, and that's OK.'

Amen to that.

[ms-chatelaine.livejournal.com]

accepts you for who you are in all areas and doesn't feel the need to change you

That would be ideal, yes.

[carl-allery.livejournal.com]

I hope that you find someone who can appreciate all that you are. Your honesty, especially with yourself, deserves someone who can be as open and honest with you in return. I admire your strength that you can see the stereotypes and know that they are not you, even though it makes it harder for you to define yourself to others. I'm sure that your openness will encourage the right person to find you. If it turns off those who would want to categorise you then that's got to be a bonus. *g* Being out there and meeting people is also a good thing, and doing the things that you enjoy.

As julesjones said, you may find yourself moving between self-images, but it does sound like you've got a handle on that already and will understand and handle it. As always, we're here when you need support or company. *hugs*

[ms-chatelaine.livejournal.com]

*Hugs back* Thank you.