I need to unload, somehow.

[mschatelaine]

I'm finding myself doing, or more properly failing to do, things that are self-destructive. Last week I couldn't move all of Sunday, when I had a flat inspection the next day. This week I'm having to retrieve a situation with my car insurance. There are many things to do with work that I am being hit with but for the most part that's working out all right. But still I'm falling into the pattern of, for example, spending money that I shouldn't on things I want but don't need. This kind of comfort spending has led me before into debt situations that I'm only now digging myself out of.

I would be better to find out what is the thing or things that are worrying me and deal with them, but I suspect that what I really need is a hug. An actual, physical, being able to put my head on someone's shoulder and relax because for just that moment, it's all right and nothing else matters.

I'm not able to relax in hugs, normally. I find myself always in the masculine situation of being the one who should make it all right. And I do my best, but I have a combination of low self-esteem and a history of hooking up with women who really need for it to be made all right. And I can do that. But a hug, to me, is work. I'm always the comforter. I have talked some people down from some really horrible positions, and I have become good at it, but what about me?

Culturally, that isn't a thing that a man should be looking for in a relationship. It's fine for a woman to be looking for someone who will look after her or to put her together after a bad experience (done that more than once, been trying to avoid that kind of woman for at least fifteen years, not being so successful at it). For a man to even admit to needing a break or a hug or to be comforted is somehow wrong.

I've been more stable than I am right now. I need a break or a hug or to be comforted. What I need is a good cry, and here comes 'Halleluja' to set me off. Excuse me.

In better news, thanks to the advice of helenex and psychochicken, I'm managing to get rid of the weight I put on over the last couple of months, next target the weight I put on over the last year. I know how to do it right, now.

Comments

[psychochicken.livejournal.com]

I wasn't aware I'd given any weight loss advice, but glad it helped =) I meant to comment that you looked as if you'd lost a few pounds last night but never quite got around to it. I guess culturally men don't comment on other men's weight loss.... ;)

I'm surprised that you, with your open exploration of the feminine side of your personality has issues in this area. I've said before that I don't really understand your need to dress as a woman (respect it, yes, understand it, no) but I think maybe this post takes me a step closer. If it's not too personal a question, does your position on showing emotion and emotional needs change when you are being Elaine?

I ask because I personally have no issue openly showing emotion (and music's a great trigger/outlet for that), or my emotional needs. I don't really subscribe to the traditional male role, except when it suits me to do so, and wonder if perhaps you become Elaine at least partially because you cannot express these things dressed in jeans and a shirt?

Even in fully masculine mode though, a partner is a partner, and that means mutual support. I bet the hardest of hard men has his moments in private with his partner when the guards come down. And his partner is probably pleased and honoured to be the one he does that with. After all, if he doesn't then the guards become permanent and a tough shell isn't an attractive thing on either a man or a woman.

[tanngrisnir.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean, I have really been caught like in many relationships: at times actually told I wasn't supposed to need hugs, comforting, emotional support. It's insane. It really is something you need to look for in a potential partner; I suspect you are more likely to find someone who realises that men have emotional needs as much as women do in fandom than outside it, but even there it isn't 100%.

When I'm back in Glasgow, if you want to have a drink sometime, that would be good.