Mildly contemplative

[mschatelaine]

I've just been out with friends who are all very supportive of me whether I wish to be Mike or Elaine. In fact I came away with a compliment, I'm told I'm beautiful. It was the best picture I have, and yes, it is a pretty one. Still, smug.

But in general, this is still a balance I am working on. I am sufficiently advanced in my hormone treatments that I successfully fill out a bra, but I still have a masculine figure. Among other things, the beer that I drank this evening will still go to bulk out the keg that I carry in lieu of a six-pack. Or will it go to my hips? and is that a good thing?

One of the other things that came out - I passed that picture around everyone there, and from the people who didn't know about Elaine/Mike, the first question was, "why?"

Why?

The first and most facile answer is "because I want to." But I have always been the 'but why?' child. And there are levels and levels to the answer to that question, and, be warned, some of the answers are, 'because'. I just do. Deal with it. But that hasn't stopped me from searching for the answer to, 'but, why?'

So, why Elaine? Why does Michael Gallagher feel that he would be happier as a woman?

I like looking down my chest and seeing a lace-covered breast. I'm not turned on by this, or not as a male seeing a breast in close proximity, although I'm satisfied in some way. It feels good, it has yet to feel so natural that it feels right, but it doesn't feel wrong and the only reasons I would refrain from wearing a bra would be that I'm going to be in a situation that other people would object. At the weekend and in the evenings I wear a bra unless I'm meeting people I know will notice and object. I am emphasizing to my body that I am growing breasts and like a girl wearing a training bra, I am learning to feel natural with it.

And the rest of it?

I want to lose my belly and I keep meaning to do more exercise and I have all this incentive to diet and exercise and the rest of it. I haven't figured out how to reduce my shoulders and the rest of my musculature without drastic - starvation-level - dieting which, let's face it, is not going to happen, my limit will be the Wii Fit or perhaps if I manage to take up running. I seem to be growing at the hips and I seem to be keeping the same overall weight, so I dare say that I'm transferring some weight from belly to breasts and hips. I keep meaning to buy a couple of sports bras to fit my current bust and make an incentive to do exercise so I can wear them.

I'm fairly sure that, gender dysphoria and all the rest of it acknowledged, what is going on with me and part of the answer to the 'why?' question, is that I have an attraction to things female. I like women's clothes and I like to see women wearing them and I like them so much that I wish to look like that myself. Do I feel that I'm the wrong gender? Sometimes and then again sometimes not. I do masculine very well. As I've said, I like my baritone voice, although I've learned how to make myself contralto, or perhaps counter-tenor, it's in the resonance. I'd like for there to be a spectrum available, so that I could be spread across it, not a point either 'male' or 'female', or even a point with a defined 'not in those other boxes,' like 'homosexual' or even 'transsexual'.

Can I not be, 'male with many feminine aspects, including a very strong supportive streak, who is not very dominant but is buggered if they will be bullied, who feels comfortable wearing a dress, and wishes to be pretty wearing it but who is not really interested in men and wants a female partner?'

Is that so hard?

Comments

[fjm.livejournal.com]

Yes you can. The binary was imposed my male het doctors who felt that there had to be a binary because otherwise.....

[ms-chatelaine.livejournal.com]

Actually I wasn't thinking about the doctors' reaction, although you are right. I was just bemoaning the tendency of people in general to want to sort things into neat categories and who get upset if you don't fit in a box. I'm very fortunate in that most of my friends have the flexibility to be comfortable with me, but I'm starting to get out into the realm of acquaintances and strangers and run into the potential problems that every TV and TS will hit.

It reminds me of two sisters I knew once. Both were equally bright, but one enjoyed whimsy and the kind of off-the-wall conversation you can have, for example, at a con, where the other spent her considerable intelligence in putting down anything that was 'weird'. She actively disliked anything that didn't fit a conservative pattern, and it must have been a great trial to her that her parents were both as whimsical as her sister.

[helenex.livejournal.com]

I have some ideas about diet and exercise for you: we should talk when next we meet. I think you should be thinking about non-weight bearing exercise: swimming, yoga, pilates, fencing perhaps?

[ms-chatelaine.livejournal.com]

Yes, that will be good. you're right about the exercise, although swimming has a couple of drawbacks, in what you have to wear and in what it does to your upper body. Same for ju jitsu and aikido, whihc is a shame because I love them. There's a tai chi class starting in the Buddhist Centre soon, I'm going to learn that.