Stabilising, I think

[mschatelaine]

This is quite a contemplative post, alcohol-fuelled, but not as a result of a crisis or a panic attack. Those also seem to be triggered by getting drunk, but probably by the effect of being relaxed sufficiently that the dam bursts, which makes drinking quite a minefield, I can tell you.

Overall, I am happy to report that I am more relaxed and together about myself. I am convinced now that I will never go for gender reassignment, but I will always want to have space to have a distinct feminine part of my life. I am Mike and Elaine.

There is a wonderful concept in Native American tradition, of double-souled people. They have both male and female souls. I totally don't believe in souls; spiritualism of any kind is to me a metaphor that some (almost all) people have taken far too literally. The metaphor in this case, though, fits me very well.

I recently met someone who brought out the masculine side of me. I love my singing voice, which is baritone. I am not prepared to give up being male. And yet, for several years there was not a day that went by when I didn't wish I was a woman. Sufficiently so that it was noticeable when I stopped.

If this was the Culture, I would be one of those people who happily switches gender every few years. It isn't, unfortunately, and I have to live with myself in some sane form.

I think that irreversible physical changes are therefore a bad call. I love the idea of having breasts and hips and a feminine figure, but these can be simulated and I am within the range that I can pass with attitude at least at first glance. I am going to stop with hormones.

I am sill totally chuffed that some bloke completely unconnected with Eastercon called me 'pet' when he held the lift for me. And people get that when I am presenting as female, it isn't an act; I'm not in drag. And also, everyone, even very good friends who know what to expect, so far has looked completely past me or through me when I've appeared to them for the first time as Elaine. A couple thought I had given my con badge to someone else.

I have opened out a space in the last year that is allowing me more room to be myself. I have made at least one very good friend quite uncomfortable with me, but I have learned who among my friends have open minds and that I can live with the rest.

I am in good shape.

Comments

[fjm.livejournal.com]

[grin]

[ms-chatelaine.livejournal.com]

(hug) I like your icon. Hope you're doing OK

[fjm.livejournal.com]

For values of ok that include nose meet grindstone.

[carl-allery.livejournal.com]

This is a great post. :) Glad you're not letting yourself be forced somewhere that you don't want to go just because that might be expected. I think what you're saying is totally understandable and it sounds as if it's right for you, which is most important. *hugs*