The bitch is back!

I just posted a very nasty comment in the latest SFWA discussion. I'm really proud of it.

This is an emotional step forward, which I just realised and I want to celebrate.

Some years ago, I would be happy to engage in debate online or face to face, confident not in that I was right but that I could handle the conflict. I was perfectly happy to be proven wrong and delighted to learn something in the process. I was proud of my ability to argue fools into knots. My favourite weapon was detailed and correct interpretation of whatever authority my opponent would like to call on. My Google-fu was strong and subtle.

I loved "libertarians". Most of them were self-centred bigots that I could argue into showing themselves for what they were, out from their simplistic cloak of one rule to fit all political and social situations. I had so much fun.

Then I went through some hard times. My self-confidence was, in effect, shattered. I found that I could not engage in an argument online. Even if someone was self-evidently full of shit and I called them on it in detail and with justification, I could not bring myself to go back to that forum or newsgroup in case they had replied. Didn't stop me from calling bullshit now and again, but it eventually stopped me from going to the newsgroups that I had loved and had been my online social life and my intellectual grindstone.

And now I have not only engaged in an argument on a forum, I have taken in the response and comments and sent back incendiary replies that I look forward to seeing the comments on and responses to.

I don't know if I can convey the feeling I have right now, that I am not subject to a debilitating panic attack over the idea of seeing the responses to my post. I don't feel the need to rush out and attack everyone I see. It's like I (I just realised and burst into tears)

I can stand up straight and not cower.

(Interesting that I want to deal with this as ms_chatelaine, and not as ahforgetit, as whom I made the comment.)