Four years.

It was TDoR in 2009 when I realised that I had been playing and negotiating with the possibility of transition for more than long enough, and it was time to do something real. I contacted all of my friends, some of whom had met me as Elaine once or twice over the previous couple of years, and told them that I was going to be female full-time for a few months, to see how it fit.

Four years on, it fits very well, thank you.

In that time, I have been asked the same questions, many times. Here are some of them.

Questions

- What are you?
- Are you a guy?
- No, really, you're a guy, aren't you?
Why does it matter?
What difference does it make to you?
I bleed like you,
laugh like you,
love like you.
I don't fancy you,
so you can rest easy.

- But why?
- Can't you just...?
- Haven't you tried...?
I wouldn't, if I'd ever had a choice.
Have you ever wished,
day in, day out,
to be someone else?
To have been born different?
To not have been born?
Try that for thirty years;
see if you don't
do something about it.

- What's it like?
It's looking in the mirror,
seeing my face and body,
knowing that they're wrong
and knowing
that there's no way
to be right.
Knowing
that if I dress, walk, act
the way I ought to,
I'll lose my family, friends, job.
Maybe my life.

- How could you?
I could ask the same.
How could you demand
that I live in misery
so you can be happy?
How can you tell me
that you love me
in the same breath as goodbye?
Say "keep in touch",
but "I don't want to know"?
How could you give me up
so easily?

- How does it feel?
Now that I've finally,
finally made a stand,
said who I really am,
now I see my face in the mirror,
my name on the door,
now I wear clothes
that make me comfortable,
now I can walk right, stand right,
feel right,
the fears and jeers,
the what-are-you's, why-can't-you's,
the sacrifices
fall away
and the freedom
to fit properly in my skin
is breathtaking.