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Another counselling session
Feb. 20th, 2008 05:37 pmThis afternoon I went to see the counsellor again. I came away with an odd negative feeling. I'm on hormones, starting to show physical changes, going out dressed, people are remarking that I seem comfortable, some work colleagues know what I'm doing, some family know what I'm doing, my friends are supportive, where's the down side?
I said that I was not clear on what I'm doing and I am still thinking through my goals, and the counsellor immediately turned all cautionary and if anything slightly disapproving. Now I appreciate that the physical changes due to hormones are not easily if at all reversible, and I'm fine with that and understand his caution on that point. But I've come away feeling as if my 'progress' to date has somehow lapsed.
He spoke about how I had been talking this way 'early on', about how I hadn't been sure what I wanted and I was later more definite. The implication seemed to be that since I'm continuing to question what I want rather than having settled on my goal - either way, transitioning or not, all or nothing - I somehow have gone back to an earlier stage in treatment and that once I had decided on a course, I should not be questioning it later but be firm of purpose.
What do I actually want? I don't know. Every day I see someone pretty and say to myself, I wish I looked like that. I like girly things; shopping is a giggle, and so is makeup and dressing up. I like women's clothes and I'd like to be able to be feminine, at will, no questions asked or censure given.
But that, as the doctor quite rightly pointed out, is very different from having my genitals surgically remodelled. Do I want that? Ask me in a couple of years.
And to add the confusion, I met someone really nice last weekend, while dressed male, who wasn't phased when I said about going cross-dressed to Club Noir, and who seemed to like me. She has a boyfriend, so the issue isn't a pressing one, but she can't be unique, even in Glasgow.
So I'm going on with the hormones at their present level, and I'm refusing to be stampeded by any damn doctor. I have a lot to think about and a lot to decide and a lot of options to give up if it comes to it, and I'm not pleased that I'm feeling pressured in any way.
I said that I was not clear on what I'm doing and I am still thinking through my goals, and the counsellor immediately turned all cautionary and if anything slightly disapproving. Now I appreciate that the physical changes due to hormones are not easily if at all reversible, and I'm fine with that and understand his caution on that point. But I've come away feeling as if my 'progress' to date has somehow lapsed.
He spoke about how I had been talking this way 'early on', about how I hadn't been sure what I wanted and I was later more definite. The implication seemed to be that since I'm continuing to question what I want rather than having settled on my goal - either way, transitioning or not, all or nothing - I somehow have gone back to an earlier stage in treatment and that once I had decided on a course, I should not be questioning it later but be firm of purpose.
What do I actually want? I don't know. Every day I see someone pretty and say to myself, I wish I looked like that. I like girly things; shopping is a giggle, and so is makeup and dressing up. I like women's clothes and I'd like to be able to be feminine, at will, no questions asked or censure given.
But that, as the doctor quite rightly pointed out, is very different from having my genitals surgically remodelled. Do I want that? Ask me in a couple of years.
And to add the confusion, I met someone really nice last weekend, while dressed male, who wasn't phased when I said about going cross-dressed to Club Noir, and who seemed to like me. She has a boyfriend, so the issue isn't a pressing one, but she can't be unique, even in Glasgow.
So I'm going on with the hormones at their present level, and I'm refusing to be stampeded by any damn doctor. I have a lot to think about and a lot to decide and a lot of options to give up if it comes to it, and I'm not pleased that I'm feeling pressured in any way.
